


drunken panics ive never come to love

by orphan_account



Series: jake lalonde and his stupid, stupid brain [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (spoilers: its jake), 1 shot, 2nd POV, Abusive Relationships, Alcoholism, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Underage Drinking, Yelling, accidental suicide attempt, angst with comfort, but hes not thinking, but like said she died when he was quite young, he lives with his sister (jade), jake Is Not Doing So Hot, jake doesnt know how to cope, ok i know that sounds weird, she was his caretaker, suffocation attempt, the only caps r in dirks lines lmao, they talk about his nanna briefly, this is purely just me talking about my jake lal tl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:13:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23572159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: its hard to breath, yet you keep trying to heave air out of your lungs.you keep checking for a pulse you cant ever seem to find. everything is loopy and your mind centers in on 3 people. dirk. roxy. and jane.dirk.(you breath in)roxy(you breath out)and jane.(you stop breathing for a while. maybe that will solve your problem.)
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jake English/Original Male Character(s)
Series: jake lalonde and his stupid, stupid brain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696735
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	drunken panics ive never come to love

you dont like this. you dont like how your face stings from his touch.

you dont like how your crying, or how the bottle of vodka that you got out what seemed minutes ago is already half empty. your entire body is buzzing with the humm of... of what? you wouldnt say heartbreak(though your lack of breath is sure hurting your chest). more like. abandonment. unworthyness.

god you dont like this. you down a couple more swigs, before setting it back down, letting it stay loosly in your grip. you narrow your eyes, trying to make sure everything is where it should be. you glance around it the (less blurry) blobs of colour. you make out the couch, coffee table. the yellow rug you love so much, along with the tv you could barely afford. the framed photos of your nanna, smashed. *he* smashed them. you feel angwer swell in your stomach, burning there. it numbs almost imeadiantly.

youve failed her. you can get in enough air, everything feels suffocating around you. youre gasping like a fool, trying to wipe away the tears and breathing isnt something you can manage, seeing as you end up getting even more frustrated. your previous thoughts play on loop in your head. one part sticking out evertime.  
  
*youve failed her. youve failed her. youve failed her.*  
  
it hurts *so* much, but you cant help but drink more. drowning in the sothing liquid running onto your chapped lips(even though you always wear lipbalm, it makes no sense to you) and into your throat. you feel so warm. this cant be real.

its hard to breath, yet you keep trying to heave air out of your lungs. you keep checking for a pulse you cant ever seem to find. everything is loopy and your mind centers in on 3 people. dirk. roxy. and jane. 

dirk.

(you breath in)

roxy

(you breath out)

and jane.

(you stop breathing for a while. maybe that will solve your problem.)

the idea of not breathing at all seems like a savior. and so you dont.

after a while everything is blurry, and your head is buzzing loudly again. you heard a faint click of keys and the open of the front door. you think you heard your sister get half way through your name before everything goes black.

\----

you peak your eyes open, and the first thing you notice is your breathing. you start to panic, before melting into the plus bed under you because youre *breathing* and its *easy to do*. you smile weakly, huffing out what seems to be a laugh but is more like a wheeze than anything.  
  
"w-wow.." you whisper. something(rather some*one*) turns to you, you can hear them take a deep breath. you imagine the mystery person opening their mouth a couple times, thinking about what theyre going to say. you decide to take the iniciative.  
  
"hello? its nice that your here but.. i-i dont think i have the willpower to face you heh,, so if ya dont mind tellin me who you are? thatd be swell lol" you whisper, curling your toes to stretch them.  
  
"Right, right." they, rather he, starts. you reconize it instantly.  
  
"dirky!! what are you--..." you stop talking, what happened when you were last concious popping into your head. "oh. right." your voice is shaky, barely above a whisper. you sniffle to keep the tears from running(god you wish you alcohol right about now).

"Why? Why did you.. why didn't you call me? Or Roxy for that matter? I doubt Jane would be online to see your messages but. What happened anyways? The last I'd heard from you, you had gotten a boyfriend and might not have been online as much, or 'i got me a manz dirk!!! :D might not be on ur hand and foot hehe'." you nod along, giving small "im sorry"'s and "i know"''s throughout.

"Don't-- don't apologize, please." his voice softens, a small crack. you imeadiantly sit up(your head rings still, and it only got worse with that), looking at dirk with sheer panic.  
  
"darn dirk uh-- dont cry please dont cry fuck-" you grab his hand, stroking part of it with your thumb. "heyhey.. dirk dirk. dont cry i-im.." *dont apologize*.  
"i didnt mean to, ill try not to upset you in the future,," you settle for that, using your other hand to wipe the tears from dirk's eyes before they can fall. you smile, bringing his hand up and pressing your lips to his knuckles. "dont fret, my prince."

you expected him to laugh, calling you a 'dork' or something like the sort, but he just stared at you. his cheeks are dusted lightly with pink, excentuating his freckles and bright blue eyes. god you could swim in them. after a few moments of just looking at each other, he pulls his hand away(oh god your lips were on his hand the entire time), clearing his throat.  
  
"A-Anyways. Moral of the story, tell m-" he pauses. "*someone* if this happens again, and please for the love of all things baking *dont stop breathing*." he says his point like youll die if you dont oblige-- well. in this case, after quite some time you infact would. heh. how "ironic".

you inhale sharply, stretching your arms up. "yknow, im kinda in the mood for a movie :3,,, u game?" you skoot over on your bed(it can thankfully fit two), patting the spot next to you. dirk thinks for a moment, before adjusting his glasses and nodding, finding a seat next to you.  
  
"Yeah, that'd be nice."


End file.
